Various ways of going beyond "I"

1. Enjoy embarrassment
"The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate." Doug Engelbrat
2. Go to no-mind
3. Get rid of all desires
4. Think of and do good to others - do what it doesn't like much
5. Be in "doing" mind than "thinking" mind - Be mindful
6. Get over your emotions - cut on its mechanisms of taking control
7. Be full of love, compassion and respect
8. Gain knowledge. I cannot survive in the light of knowledge.
9. Find someone who has done it. Observe him.
10. Surrender to God or someone who has overcome it.
11. Remove time. Get to present. There is no past and no future. "I" cannot survive without time.

Ego, Identity and Antivirus

God created a Linux box. Installed right software, tested it and shipped it to this planet. In the beginning everything worked fine. All the components and processes and OS collaborated. Everybody got equal time to be heard, to be attended to. The box was dynamic, still fewer alerts, fewer overshoots of cpus, a stillness around equilibrium made it a joyful box.

There was a process to save the box from external attacks. Something like antivirus. This process had a database of itself and it stored the kind of attacks it could have. Somewhere this process started running rogue. It created a concept of “I”. It said that I have to be alive for this box to work. It said that all components could be sacrificed for “I” to survive. It started making a list of attacks that could kill I, some of them very fictitious. It started devising methods to save I from these fictitious attacks. “I” grew in importance. This box started snatching resources from other Boxes in the server farm. This “I” could create a feeling of fear that whole of the box was held ransom to. All the components would listen.

This process had undisputed command. It started desiring. It made the next box its slave. It said that cpu has to work 100% all the time for this “I” to achieve an ambitious goal of most performant box in server farm.

After putting the box into conditions it was not designed for the box started giving up. Components became slow out of wear and tear and no rejuvenation. The “I” got more scared and started panic. The box had not been in equilibrium for long and has been in continuous work mode. The box lost touch with its self (equilibrium), it forgot that it was part of this server farm, the box was doing much more but still was not happy.

One fine day when “I” was asleep. Someone told the box about meditation. Box did it and liked it. It heard about “no-mind”. It started finding ways to get around “I” or do things when “I” was asleep. The journey back to original was begun. Hard it was. Various ways to get around “I” were tried and it did not appear as hard as it looked.

Idle thread theory

If we model our mind as a computer. Active thoughts are ideas that are running on top of the mind, cpu. These are like threads. Now, there is an important thread that is always present in all the human beings. Let's call it Idle thread. When we are not actively thinking about anything this thread gets a chance to run. Also when we are doing something, this either gets small time quanta or gets a chance at broader time interval to wake up. So it might look like a small chatter or a sudden distraction and flow to other direction.

What does this Idle thread do? Well it does different things for different people. Some of the common questions it asks are, "Am i wasting time? I have to hurry up", "I have to do these things also x,y,z. So many things to do", "What bad happened to me today, yesterday etc?", "Things are scary", "Let me dig up a bad past for you", "Let me cook up a scary future for you", "Why is this person saying so?", "This is Good. This is Bad" etc. One important characteristic is that this thread doesn't dwell on any one idea for long. It either loads lot of data to process or lots of short-lived thoughts, in both cases causing mind to be overwhelmed and causing a flood of emotion.

What are the effects? We feel a heaviness in head. We sometimes want to rest, but are not able to. And many times we see that it scares us, overwhelms us and distracts us.

When are the effects less? What experts call "In the Zone", "Flow" are situations where we are so intensely into the work we are doing that this thread does not get any time to run. Consciously we can build our concentration and alertness by way of meditations and learn the art of keeping mind focus on only one thing. It is also that effects of the thread get weak when the thinker is aware of this thread. That is, cpu does not become thread, screen doesn't become the movie. "Satori" is also a term used to describe a state of no-mind. Sufi philosophy gives lot of importance to what one does. Some of the Buddhist meditation is about making doing important and be a goal in itself. So one walks for walking not for reaching a destination. This takes a person into the task. When one's body and mind are involved in one act, there couldn't be anything better to prevent this Idle thread. This gets little funny as sometimes this Idle thread takes the task of "preventing Idle thread from running". And more you think about preventing Idle thread from running, more you are running it. Buddha's philosophy of neti-neti, Neither this nor that is useful here. You do not want it to run, you do not want to stop it.

It is interesting to know what would happen if this Idle thread was in total control of the Thinker. Indian spirituality says that "Self" gets a better chance of showing. This Self is eternal, joyful and fearless. This also gives a clue on how do i know i am running this thread? When i have irrational fear taking over, i know that it is not me and i can check to find whether this Idle thread is running. When i am not joyful, probably the Idle thread had lot of its undue time.

Probably that is what they meant when they said, "Idle mind is Devil's workshop".

Booting yourself everyday

I look at Mind as a computing machine. Over years it has built a huge set of rules, data and emotions tagged with it. These are interrelated. It looks to me that Mind rules me. Everyday morning it hands me a card and on it is written how my day will go. Fewer times it will hand me a card that says, today will be great. And this if from its inclination to stick to negative. This is what our mind does, someone comes and says you are good, we ignore that. Somebody comes and says you are bad and we remember it for long time. While strategically it is a good thing because this makes us better person continuously. But overdose of this causes lot more sadness than is necessary. And Mind doesn't know what this overdose is, where to stop.

But there is a variable that is in our total control. Mind cannot load all of its rules, data and emotion at the same time. It has smaller RAM. So we can exercise some control. If we consciously load good data, good emotions and good rules are loaded. And then there is no place for other not-needed data to be loaded. Everyday if we boot up this computing machine with something exciting that we plan to do, compassion, love, peace and happiness, there can only be more of that whole day along.

In the beginning we will find it hard doing this daily. Mind would come back and say, hey you are fooling yourself. Reality is different. But with practice you can make it an everyday affair. Waking up, booting right OS (operating system) could fetch you a great day with lots of productivity and joy.

This is booted up OS will govern what you perceive (Generalize, Delete and Distort). And depending on what you perceive your actions vary and depending on actions you get results. And the vicious circle goes on.

Remember that once you are booted properly, you might still take on issues of life and deal with them. But it will not be by fear but by a well thought and cool Mind.

As a Guru said, meditation is slowing down mind, increasing focus/attention and then thinking about any of divine quality (peace, love, strength ...). This to me is booting up of mind. As Shri Shri Ravishankar says, the prayers we sing (for e.g. hanuman chalisa) is praise for lord. And by praising we dwell on the divine qualities. And by the Mind just listening to these qualities loads right OS. I find that writing makes it more stronger as this causes your mind to consciously think, and hence load the right OS. That is why diary and blogging might be such a cool idea.

Hypothesis : ego as a set of rules

GOD created us as a self learning rules engine with multiple sensing organs. The basic rules given were,

1. Stay in default happy state
2. When hungry get sad. On sadness cry.
3. Take in data from sensing organs, process it with existing rules and if needed, learn.
4. When in new condition, choose fight or flight.
5. When in fight mode, but safe situation - reflect the situation.

When kids see parents smiling at them, they imitate the parents as per situation 5. When strangers smile, sometimes kids cry taking it to be unsafe situation of 4.

We see our parents, learn their behaviors. When in situation X, do situation Y because success was achieved doing that or it doesn't matter so try what has been tested. So most of the times we tend to be like our parents in basic traits.

Then we learn from friends, teachers etc.

All these are being stored as rules. We have now become a huge set of rules. We learn how to make meta-rules, rules about rules. For example, learn things from good person, not from bad person. So each observation gets colored by such meta rules. Then we make meta-meta rules. And this goes on.

A big set of these rules goes in at such a deeper level that we don't question them. They go into our sub-consciousness. These rules become so complex, big in number and convoluted that they start forming a mind of its own. They invent a concept of I. They then start defending themselves against what they perceive as attack. They do not allow conscious mind to question some of the basic rules. They control emotions of mind - fear etc.

If these rules were correct, complete, non-contradicting etc. things would still be fine. But most of these rules are made by single situation like all men do not have heart and most of them are not true when time or situation changes. There are rules that talk about I like i am not a fighter and these were formed because of a situation when somebody was weak. Even after attaining good amount of energy the rule is not ready to be changed.

Is it possible for us to keep these rules aside as per our will? Ofcourse we need them most of the times but can we exercise control on them? Before you know some rule in you would have already triggered a discomfort feeling, a mild fear. And you are now focused on something else.

This could be the aim of meditation. How can one keep these rules aside at will for a time one chooses to. Once one can do that, one can also transform some of the most fundamental rules, also called as context. One can also follow a goal instead of being lost and most of the times creating more pain for self.

Who are you?

There is something that is common, that is shared between all of us, living or non-living. What is that? Spiritual masters say that is impossible to know that, but it is very easy to experience it. They ask us to close eyes, withdraw senses, drop the artificial forms, abstractions we have created. And just try to feel, not trying to think with mind. If images start forming in mind then it is not feeling. If you start describing in words then that is clearly a work of mind. More on this in later posts, for now you could read "Power of Now".

People wanted to describe that One which is shared between all of us. But how do you describe what is propertyless and formless? There are two ways - describe that in terms of what it is not and second give enough examples. Here is an example each of both,

In Sanskrit:

Mano budhya ahankaar chittah ni naham
Na 'ch shotra jeeveh na 'ch ghraan netrey
Na 'chavyo m bhumi r na tejo na vaayu
Chid-a-anand roopah shivoham shivoham

Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham

Na 'chpraan sangyo, na vey panch vaayu,
na vah sapt dhaaatu r, na vah pancha' kosh'a
Na vat pani paado, na chopastha paayu,
chid-a-anand roopah shivoham shivoham

Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham

Na meh dwesh raago, na meh lobh-moh
mado nai-v-meh nahi-v-maatsarya bhaav'h
Na dharmo na chartho na kaamo na moksha
chid-a-anand roopah shivoham shivoham

Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham

Na punyam na papam, na sokhyam na dukhyam
na mantro na teertham, na veda na yagya
Aham bhojnam nai va bhojyam na bhogta
chid-a-anand roopah shivoham shivoham

Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham

Na meh mrityu shanka, na meh jaati bheda
pita nahi va meh nai-v-mata na janma
Na bandhu 'r mitram, guru nai va shishya
chid-a-anand roopah shivoham shivoham

Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham

Aham nirvikalpo niraakaar roopoh,
vibhur-vyaapya sarvatra sarve-indrayaanee
Sadaa mein samatvam, na mukti na bandh
chid-a-anand roopah shivoham shivoham

Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham

Mano budhya ahankaar chittah ni nahan
Na 'ch shotra jeeveh na 'ch ghraan netrey
Na 'chavyo m bhumi r na tejo na vaayu
Chid-a-anand roopah shivoham shivoham

Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham
Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham Shivoham

In English:

I am neither the mind, nor the intellect, nor the ego, nor the mind-stuff;
I am neither the body, nor the changes of the body;
I am neither the senses of hearing, taste, smell, or sight,
Nor am I the ether, the earth, the fire, the air;
I am Existence Absolute, Knowledge Absolute, Bliss Absolute —

I am He, I am He. (Shivoham, Shivoham).

I am neither the Prâna, nor the five vital airs;
I am neither the materials of the body, nor the five sheaths;
Neither am I the organs of action, nor object of the senses;
I am Existence Absolute, Knowledge Absolute, Bliss Absolute —

I am He, I am He. (Shivoham, Shivoham).

I have neither aversion nor attachment, neither greed nor delusion;
Neither egotism nor envy, neither Dharma nor Moksha;
I am neither desire nor objects of desire;
I am Existence Absolute, Knowledge Absolute, Bliss Absolute —

I am He, I am He. (Shivoham, Shivoham).

I am neither sin nor virtue, neither pleasure nor pain;
Nor temple nor worship, nor pilgrimage nor scriptures,
Neither the act of enjoying, the enjoyable nor the enjoyer;
I am Existence Absolute, Knowledge Absolute, Bliss Absolute —

I am He, I am He. (Shivoham, Shivoham).

I have neither death nor fear of death, nor caste;
Nor was I ever born, nor had I parents, friends, and relations;
I have neither Guru, nor disciple;
I am Existence Absolute, Knowledge Absolute, Bliss Absolute —

I am He, I am He. (Shivoham, Shivoham).

I am untouched by the senses, I am neither Mukti nor knowable;
I am without form, without limit, beyond space, beyond time;
I am in everything; I am the basis of the universe; everywhere am I.
I am Existence Absolute, Knowledge Absolute, Bliss Absolute —
I am He, I am He. (Shivoham, Shivoham).

Om Namah Shivay.

Example of samples:

You are the green in leaves, the perfume in flowers, the chirping of birds and the sweetness in fruits. You sway with the soft breeze and shimmer with the sun and moon.

Giving names to abstractions

I see something and i call it pencil. At some other time a exactly same looking thing is shown and i say that this is same pencil. Then i am shown a red pencil. I say this is different. It was actually the same pencil that was dipped in red color. Now what i see as same or not is my best guess. It is not even important whether i am right all the time, it is OK if i am able to solve for what matters to me. So, we see properties of things that are relevant to us and based on that we identify and then name it, name that abstraction of actual thing.

Now, i see a moth and a butterfly - they don't look same to me. But i say it is same as i see one has come from other. I see a candle and then wax that is melted from same candle - lot of visible properties are different but i still say it is same. Why then when i look at leaf, i am not able to see sunlight, earth, air etc. that are in it - it has come from a mixture of all of these. I consider myself to be same from birth to death even when each cell would have changes atleast once. When things evolve from each other there are times we know it is same and there are times when we don't realize it.

All the pages of a book are connected. But the books are not connected. What does this connectedness mean - a lighter connectedness when we find at conceptual level a similarity. Second, stronger connectedness when we say if we do something to one, others will be affected - if burn a page of book, the whole book will burn. Think of people on the same ship in the ocean - if ship sinks everyone sinks - everything is one. If i am a human, am i connected to other humans. No, because i can clearly see that there are boundaries - i can see myself ending and other beginning. But it is also true that that air that passes through me is the same that passes through other - so there is some thing that is shared - boundary is not very clear. Second, i can do something to one without affecting other - because both entities are self-sustaining. Independence means lighter connectedness?

What i am but a mass of cells that i can afford to move together at my will. And so is another human. On a beach it is two heaps of sand - thinking themselves as different. And i as observer see is one - just sand.

Relationships - one idea

“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life - think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success, that is way great spiritual giants are produced.”

- Swami Vivekananda

While Vivekananda meant one idea for whole life, let us take a simpler case of one idea for one area of life.

Take relationships. One idea worth taking up in this area.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

In any argument or situation involving emotions, i do not want to proven wrong or being invalidated. So, out of the window goes right/wrong proving. I don't want to be quoted on what i said. I would like to disown what i said. What i expect is that others forget whatever happened completely. So this means i should forget what others did also completely after the incident. I don't like to be shouted on or be distrusted, so same is what i should do to others. I wish i am not disappointed by people, same then goes for me not disappointing people. I wish to be comforted in my ways when i am down, same should happen from my side.

Why is shopping fun?

    We enter a gift shop. We see so many small things, feeling of abundance arises. We see that heart shaped gift and suddenly mind is filled with love and thoughts of person we love. We see new things and are awed. We see nicely designed small things and we wonder the satisfaction of person who created would have. We entered the shop with worries, fatigue and bad mood, those have left us or are standing outside the door.

    We don't own any of those products. We are going to be in the shop for only few minutes. We cannot modify/make changes to the shop. We know that we might buy one or two, rest we are happy just seeing. Can mere seeing and walking around make people happy?

    The fact that we cannot make any changes or violate the expectation of shop is what is called non-violence. The fact that we don't own any of the items falls into the scope of non-attachment. We could have a view where we walk into life like that, not violate anything, be non-attached and stay here constantly being happy.

    The only way to wear a white shirt and tour a coal mine and come out clean will be to not play a lot with coal. Inner Self or call it Soul is like a white shirt that gets dirty in this world resembling a coal mine.
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